Sister Mine
by Luxor-DestroyerOfWorlds
Summary: JD has a secret sister who dies of a brain tumor, leaving JD in charge of a 3month old infant. Relationship between him and Cox is reminiscent with The Question That Begs an Answer in that fact that's it gay guy love and you must deal with it. Mature for a reason. Bad language, abuse, sexxyness, the works. Kind of. Not sure if my genres work, but whatevehs. Please review
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I randomly thought of JD having a sister and this is what happened. Don't judge me. As for JD's and Dr. Cox's relationship, it sort of ties in with my other story, The Question That Begs an Answer. You know, the sort of love/hate what/am/i/doing sort of thing. Anyway, enjoi (I will NOT warn of lemons, if I even have any in this story, for personal reasons. Deal with it. Report me, and I will exurt my right to bitch. If you see any errors, tell me and I'll try to fix them. Or not. I gots shit to do.**

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I received the letter three days ago. I shouldn't have been surprised. I'd seen this coming for a very long time. But I had reacted as though it was the biggest shock in the world.

Like a fool I'd brought my mail with me to work, as I normally did, and was looking over it during lunch. Perry was sitting beside me, as was his newer habit since we began our strange relationship, and the rest of the gang was opposite of me. Laughing. Talking about nothing and everything. Perry was silent, sipping his coffee and reading his newspaper, but I could feel the heat of his skin even through my scrubs.

The envelope had been plain stock, white, black script creating the flowing letters of my name. I didn't even glance at the return address. I should have. It would have given me some sort of warning.

_Dearest Brother_. That was how it began. She always began her letters with those words.

I should have stopped reading then and there, but I didn't. As far as I knew, I was the only member of our strange family that Emily bothered to contact. My illegitimate sister. My best friend. Even closer to me than Turk, even though I'd had to keep her a secret all these years.

Emily lived under an assumed name, far away and safe. I'd helped her pack that bag all those years ago. I'd given her my life savings, a whole three hundred dollars, which was impressive for a fourteen year old. She was only twelve. Just a baby. And that had been the only way they could think of to get her away.

Nobody knew about Emily.

Well, I suppose that wasn't true. I guess I should say I was the only one who gave a damn about her.

Dad had an affair with a woman I came to know as The Blonde Slut. That little betrayal hadn't been all that unexpected, since he and Mom had never been on good terms from as far back as I can remember. I found out about her quite by accident. We met in the winter, at a park.

But that wasn't the point. The point was that Emily had been cold, miserable, and completely alone. Dan had been content to forget her as soon as he learned about her, much like he did me, and Mom thought she was little more than guttersnipe.

Little Emily. With her brown hair and blue eyes. She could have been my twin. She was small. So very small. With a druggie whore for a mother, and a dealer for a stepdad or whatever you would call that abusive addict, there hadn't been much happiness in Emily's young life.

Until I found her. Until I used a friend of a friend's connections to get her far away, with a legal new name and someone to actually take care of her.

She made me promise, though, to keep her a secret. If that man ever found her… I wasn't the only one with connections.

At first, I smiled. We only communicated by letters, but for some reason she'd hadn't replied in the last few months.

My blood ran cold as I continued to read. I could honestly feel the warmth turn to sharp ice in my veins as her neat little words coursed through my mind as though she'd screamed them.

_Dearest Brother,_

_If you're reading this, then that hotshot lawyer did right by me. You were always there for me, Jay, and I can never thank you enough. You're my favorite, you know that, right? I'm not sure if it's been a while since we last wrote to each other. I don't know when Eddy will send this. That's Edward Lawrence, my lawyer. Or attorney. Whatever you call it._

_Jay, I'm sick. Really sick. But you knew that, didn't you? You were always patching me up back then, back when I was still with Them. You couldn't protect me back then, so you did the next best thing and stitched me back together. Literally. Remember how much we both cried that Christmas when you had to suture my arm? I don't know which one of us felt more pain; me, with a needle going through my skin, or you, sweet little Jay, who would do anything for me even though it killed you to be the one hurting me, even if it was helping me._

_But I'm not talking about that, Jay. I am really, very truly sick. The doctor says it's a miracle I've survived even this long. It's November as I'm writing this. I'm at my kitchen table, staring at the yellow daisy you sent me. It's so bright and warm-looking even as the snow continues to fall. I have no idea how it's survived this long. New York can be so cold. Too cold for a delicate yellow daisy with no business to be so bright and in full bloom while snow blankets my world._

_Oh, my mind wandered again. That happens a lot. I've always been scatterbrained, but the tumor, I think, makes it a little worse than usual._

_Ah, there I go again, saying the worst things without meaning to and getting ahead of myself._

_Jay, I'm dying. There's nothing anybody can do. I never told you this in any of my letters because I knew you'd try to fly out to see me, and even now I can't risk that. He's still alive, you know. I've checked with that, uh, PI you sent me to all those years ago. He's still looking for me._

_Ah, but now I'm dead, aren't I? Sorry to be so nonchalant, Jay, but I've had a while to think this through. I'm at peace with this. Please forgive me for doing this to you. I hope it won't hurt you too much, Jay. I love you too much to want you to hurt for me._

_But there's a reason I'm writing this letter. A very special reason that you don't know about. I was too afraid to tell you, too afraid that if I put this joy into words it would be taken from me._

_I'm looking at her now. She's three months. Born September twenty-third, twenty-eleven. I named her Julie. She looks just like us. Brown hair. Blue eyes. She's so pale and tiny. I have her in a little basinet by the table. She's playing with my finger. I'm trying not to cry, but I'm not really winning this battle._

_Jay __John, I need you to take care of my baby. I love her more than anything. More than my own life. I can't stand the fact that she may go to a home. I won't allow it. I know there's some truly good people out there, but there's too many perverts, too much harshness and hate for my to try it._

_She needs family, John, and I remember how you helped me all those years ago. I hate to ask anything more of you, my dearest brother, but I must ask one final favor. Please, please take in my daughter. Love her. Kiss her bruises whenever she falls like you used to do for me. Love her unconditionally and without question. Care for her as though she were your own daughter._

_I was so afraid, John. Afraid I would die before I could give birth to her. I was given three wonderful months with her so far. I can feel it in my bones that I don't have much longer. Not much longer at all. There should be another letter, from Eddy. He should contact you sometime soon._

_Forgive me, dearest brother. I really wish I could have seen you hold her. I wished you were in the delivery room with me, holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be alright because you were a doctor and you knew when things were going right. I was so scared. So scared. But I'm not anymore._

_Our, uh, friend was the one who brought me to Eddy. Her papers are one hundred percent legal. Julie Johanna Dorian. I wanted her to have your last name. Can you tell I incorporated you in her middle name too?_

_I have plenty of money saved up for her, now for you. It's not really all that much, but it's enough for a few years' supply of diapers, which is really saying something because those things are expensive._

_I love you Jay. I put a picture of her in the envelope. I taped it to the inside so it wouldn't slip out. You can never be too careful._

_Love, Your Sister_

I'd reached inside, careful to keep my face neutral as I stood from the table and mumbled something about the bathroom. Perry had given me a strange look, and I prayed he wouldn't follow. He didn't, thank god. I don't know what I would have done if he cornered me in the hallway.

When I looked around and saw I was indeed alone, I took out the picture of my niece. I wondered how Emily… she said she looked like us, but she's only three months…

The baby in the picture had a head full of thick, surprisingly long brown hair curling cherubically around a chubby white face. A fist was stuck in her pink, gummy mouth and her blue eyes, the exact same shade as mine, looked up at the camera with cute little crinkles in the corners.

My heart had melted even as it plummeted to my stomach.

My sister was dead. Of a brain tumor, of all things. And I have a niece. Named Julie.

On the back of the Polaroid was an unfamiliar, blocky writing that stated a number and for me to call it. I did, right away.

And that's how, three days later, I was in New York and holding my precious niece, watching a plain black box being buried in the ground as a stranger says a few priestly things then leaves. It has been over fifteen years since I've seen my sister's face, and I only caught a glimpse as she lay in her casket. Surprisingly, she looked much the same. Fuller in some areas but still small, still pale, still fragile.

''I need you to sign some papers,'' Edward Lawrence's deep baritone cuts through the somber shoveling of dirt and my niece's quite rustling. She doesn't make a sound other than the whisper of fabric as she looks around the bright graveyard, her guileless eyes only taking in vague shapes and colors. She seems to realize the solemnity of the situation.

''After that you can take little Julie's things to airport. They're at Emily's apartment; packed and ready to go.'' I nod, turn, and follow him through the graves to his shiny navy blue Sedan.

He may seem brusque and almost apathetic to my grief, but he knows I can't stand sympathy right now. I can also see the hunched set of his shoulders, the quiet look in his dark brown eyes that tell me he liked Emily. That was mourning her loss too, in his own way.

Vaguely, I wonder if he's the father to the child I'm now holding, but if that were the case Emily would have given him custody. Emily had a strong vision of family, and believed a father should be in the picture. Not for the first time, I wonder who the father is or if he's even around somewhere here, in Albany. If he knows about the baby.

But as I look down at Julie, watch as she takes my finger and swings it around carefully, as if taking careful note of the movement, I don't give a damn. She's mine now, and will make an excellent sister to Sam.

I don't think about how no one at Sacred Hearts knows where the hell I am. I don't think about how pissed Perry will be when I get back for being gone without a trace for the past three days. I don't think about the questions I'll have to face, the pain of relieving every grueling detail now that there's no secret to keep anymore.

I just think about moving my hand to sign the custody papers. I just think about putting one foot in front of the other to get up the iron steps to Emily's apartment. I just think to feed Emily and set her in the bassinette beside the bed before I flop down and close my eyes. And the I think about nothing, because the darkness has taken over, and all I have to do now is forget.


	2. Chapter 2

**I forgot my disclaimer, so here it is: I do not own Scrubs or any characters.**

**Also, I can't seem to remember/find how old the kids were when the series ended, so I improvised. Also, it should be clear that this is entirely a work of fiction and some stuff won't make a lot of sense because I am slowly but surely losing my mind and can't remember a lot of things lately (how I got the idea for a brain tumor). So, if you see any loose ends let me know and I'll figure out how to tie them up. Enjoi**

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooo000 0000000000000000000000000000 0000oooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo00000000000000000000ooooo **

I wake up to the sound of a baby crying.

It takes me a moment to realize that the sound isn't coming from any TV, or that it's not my son Sam. I can smell lilacs.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was the ivory bedspread, covered in small china-blue vines with silver leaves. Emily had always had a taste for the whimsical. She seemed to be an expert on fairies and unicorns, too.

The basinet is right beside the bed. I scoot over the cold, crisp sheets and look down at the thing of frothy lace. Emily must have paid a small fortune for the soft crib; it looked like a cloud, with a hood to protect the baby's eyes from harsh light with a tiny hand-crafted mobile attached to it, holding a pale silver moon, prancing sheep, and golden stars.

Julie is beautiful, even when she's crying. She's waving her two tiny fists and kicking her two tiny feet. I haven't been this amazed since I first saw Sam, but even then I had thought as my infant child as a sturdy little man. Julie was delicate as frost on a flower, and twice as lovely.

Her thick brown curls surround her little head, and unlike most newborns with hair, I just know hers won't fall out. Mine had done the same and, I suspect, so had Emily's.

I can feel a hard pinch in my heart, but I soothe it with the knowledge that Julie will be kept safe and within arm's reach. I won't send her away; she's mine now. A sister for Sam to protect.

I reach in and trace her chubby little cheek with one finger. She immediately quiets to soft sniffles as I stroke her dandelion fluff hair.

''You're probably hungry, huh?'' My voice is raw and thin, breaking with every syllable, sounding as though I've been crying for hours on end without rest. Julie doesn't seem to mind. She gives a soft gurgle, ignorant of the loss she's suffered.

I pick her up and relish in the feel of her soft body in my arms, holding her against my upper chest and making sure to support her wobbly head as I walk to the kitchen.

The apartment is small, but clean. Most of Emily's things have already been packed and put away in storage; Eddy had said he'd finish the rest of it after we left, and that I could collect her things from the storage house at any time. There are three boxes in total I'll be taking home with me, filled with Julie's clothes, her crib that Eddy had kindly taken apart, and other assorted baby things.

I have my own apartment now, and though I love Sam he doesn't get to visit often because of my work and, er, Perry's inconsistent visits. That would have to change. Sam was eight and pretty bright for his age, I couldn't chance him being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As soon as I got home, Perry and I needed to have a long talk… _Work_.

What was I going to do with work? I couldn't keep up my usual hours and leave Julie at home, and I didn't want to take her to the new employee daycare; I don't trust Janitor to simply leave her alone, though I know he wouldn't hurt a baby… Would he?

I sit at the kitchen table and feed Julie from a small bottle as I glance out the window. It's January, and while there's some sleet falling, it's nothing to delay my flight. The daisy has wilted and died, nothing more than a string of brown hanging from the tiny clay pot.

_Oh, Emily. There are so many things I wish I could have done different… Thank you for Julie. I don't think she's a burden. If anything, she's a gift. A precious gift. A tiny you._

Like the night before, I stubbornly refuse to worry about anything. I'd taken leave from work, pager be damned, and Cox knew I wouldn't report back in until sometime next week. I bet he's already been by my apartment a few times. Serves him right.

Julie finishes her meal and I rub her back, gently patting until I hear a tiny burp.

''Come on darling, it's time to go home.''

Even though I said that, I drove right past the airport in my rental. Julie's too young to get on a plane, comfortably at least, and I was weighted down with her things. It would cost a fortune to fly, though driving all the way from Albany to California would be worth it's own fair share.

It would take about a week, and that's with few rest stops and if traffic was good. I glance in the review mirror and see little Julie happily gurgling and swinging her tiny fists around. She was turning out to be a very energetic four month old.

I feel like I've made the right decision. I want to spend a few quite days getting to know my niece. My little Emily.

0o0o0o0o0

Elliot bit her lower lip as she tried to looked over the chart. ''Frikkin' frik,'' she grumbled, setting down the chart none too gently on the counter. A new intern checking for a heartbeat winced and tried to pull away, but a large, dark hand slammed down on his head to keep him close to the counter, his stethoscope picking up every miniscule tap at the nurse's station.

''What seems to be the problem, Barbie?''

Elliot rolled her eyes and cocked her hip. ''I'm worried about J.D. if you must know. He's not answering any of my calls, and Kim phoned me asking why he suddenly called off his weekend with Sam. He loves that kid to death and always makes time for his visits… Did he seem weird when he asked for leave?''

Dr. Cox assumed his patented scowl and raised his arms to fold them behind his head in a mock relaxation pose. ''Well, gee, I don't know Barbie. He seemed like he was in a big hurry_… hey_!''

Carla appeared from behind Cox after a very loud popping sound. She was smiling sweetly, holding a metal clipboard as Cox rubbed the back of his head and glared at her. ''Don't mean to Elliot, Perry. I thought you were past that, now that you're the big, bad Chief of Medicine.''

Both women ignored his irritated growl and turned to each other, completely forgetting the larger man's existence. ''J.D. did look like he was in a hurry,'' Carla said quietly, the mischievous smile gone from her features. ''But at the same time he looked a little weird. Zombie-like. He hasn't answered any of my calls, either. Or Turk's, for that matter.''

All three frowned thoughtfully. ''I hope he's okay,'' Elliot said at last, worry making her voice wobble. ''If something happened… Dan would call us, right?''

''Here, I'm on break, let me try one more time and the we can see if Dan knows anything,'' Carla murmured, pointedly not answering her friend's question. After the blonde doctor's and J.D.'s latest attempt at a relationship had failed, they decided to remain firmly friends, and Elliot recently resumed her relationship with her older brother, though it was somewhat long distance. J.D. had seemed more than fine with it, though, which had been a relief at the time.

Cox had dropped his uncaring demeanor and was leaning in the direction of Carla's tiny cell phone just like Elliot. It rang three times before, miracle upon miracle, J.D.'s real voice picked it up.

''Hey, what's up Carla?'' He sounded tired, and despite himself, Cox felt a prickle of deep unease. J.D. had practically dropped off the face of the earth for the past four days, and it was a relief to hear his voice. Even if he was feeling a distinct pang of jealousy that the young doctor answered Carla's call but not his own.

''J.D., what's the matter? Why haven't you answered anyone's calls?'' Carla's voice was sharp and motherly, as always when her Bambi, or anyone, did something that made her worry. There was a small pause, the sound of muffled passing traffic. ''Sorry about that, if I worried anyone,'' he replied slowly, ''I was… called away on family matters… I'll be back to work in about a week… maybe…''

''What the hell do you mean, '_maybe_'?'' Perry growled, taking the cell from Carla's small hand and pressing it against his ear so that the women couldn't hear J.D.'s reply.

''P-Perry?'' He heard the younger man squeak, and almost smiled. Almost. ''You better be back here tomorrow, you got that Sheila?'' J.D. sighed heavily. Perry could almost picture him rubbing his eyes tiredly, like a child. ''I can't do that, Perry.''

''Why on earth not?'' He was yelling now, but he didn't particularly give a damn. The residents were used to him and his ways, so he was mostly ignored as he stalked down the hallway towards his office, Elliot and Carla struggling to keep up with his much longer strides.

''Please don't yell at me, Perry,'' J.D. whispered, sounding so detached and miserable that Perry immediately stopped walking in the middle of the hallway, worry overriding his anger.

''Are you alright, John? Where are you?'' He could hear his J.D. take a breath to answer, but suddenly there was a loud wailing. Perry winced and brought the phone away from his ear for a split second before his growled, ''Is that a _baby?!_''

''I'm sorry, Perry, I have to go. I'll explain everything when I make it back, okay?'' And just like that the phone went dead.

''What was that about a baby?'' Carla asked when he handed back her cell. ''I don't know Carla. But when that little bastard gets his skinny ass back here, he has a lot to answer to.''

The women seemed to agree. ''Do you want me to try Dan? He must know what's going on if it's family matters.'' But Dan had no idea, and the tri were left to wonder if J.D. was lying to them.

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**Sorry for short chapter. I'm still figuring out Perry's and JD's relationship, if I'll make it identical to my other story or make a few modifiations to make it easier to accomodate baby Julie, little Sam, Jack, and Jennifer Dillan.**

**R&R would be appreciated**


	3. Chapter 3

Some days are harder than others, I found out. Some days were like looking through a pitcher of hazy water, to the filtered light beyond; where everything was wavy and unsubstantial.

And some days kicked you in the teeth.

Julie is a sweet-tempered little girl, but there are moments where nothing seems to calm her down. It's like she knows something important is missing, she just doesn't know what.

We're at a trucker stop, in a quiet diner. Julie is strapped into the car seat I brought inside and set into a booth. So far, three of the scariest, burliest men I've ever seen have cooed down at her with sappy grins.

_Beauty really can tame the beast, apparently._

I shouldn't have taken Carla's call, but I'd been craving some sort of direction. Needless to say I didn't want to have a thing to do with my real family at the moment, especially not my own mother, so taking Carla's call had seemed logical at the time.

But then there were so many questions I didn't want to answer. And Perry… I just couldn't deal with his angry bear routine at the moment.

Towards the end, though, before Julie started to cry, Perry's voice had taken on that tone he very rarely ever used with anyone, let alone me. The calm Perry, the gentle Perry… The Perry that, if he were here, would wrap his arms around me and say, in that unique way of his, that everything would work out. Somehow. Someway.

The waitress in a tight orange uniform came back around and poured more coffee into my cup. ''You look dead on your feet, Sugar. Are you alright?'' She had curly blonde hair, a rail-thin body, and soft brown eyes. She seemed genuinely concerned for me, but all I could do was nod mutely.

She pursed her lips, glanced at Julie. ''You don't look right to drive, darlin'. You planning on staying the night at the motel?'' I think about shaking my head and telling her to mind her own business, but I know she's right. I'm in no condition to drive, and I can't put Julie in danger.

''How close is it?''

The waitress smiled a small smile and pointed her thumb to one of the truckers. ''Tony's on his way out, if you want to follow him. It's only a mile up the way, but the turn-off's easy to miss if you don't know what you're looking for.''

I nod and gulp down a few harsh swallows of the scolding coffee as the woman calls over to Tony. I finally recognize him as one of the guys who came over to coo over Julie. He was a softie, for all he looked like a tough sonofabitch.

He smiled at me and waved before he walked over. ''Let's get you and this little cutie settled, eh?''

He has nice grey eyes.

I smile, or try to, and stand, picking up Julie by the handle of her car seat and swinging her diaper bag over my shoulder. ''Sure. Oh, and thanks. For showing me the way. I'm J.D.'' I reach out to shake his stained hand. It's big and warm, enveloping mine easily as he pumps it up and down once. ''I'm Tony Yalt, and it's no problem.''

He holds onto my hand a little longer than necessary, and I recognize the look in his eye. I ignore it though, and easily follow him out the door. He won't hurt me, and he definitely wouldn't lay a hand on Julie, so I allow myself to relax. If he decides he might want to share a bed with a scrawny doctor and a baby, who am I to judge?

I balk at the last thought as I strap Julie into the car. I must be in a really bad place if I'm not thinking twice about who I let into my bed, especially with Julie to look after. My thoughts remind me of when I first put two and two together about my sexuality, and how not long after I fell into a deep depression because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that my parents wouldn't accept this new me.

Emily had, though. Our correspondence may have only been in letters, but she had a way of infusing her words with warmth and love. I didn't tell her about the hurt at first, about how I virtually went home with anybody who wanted me, but when I finally did, expecting her to call me disgusting, her letter assured me she loved me and that she understood.

I glance at Julie. She's so small, like a faye child. Just as Emily had been. I stroke her cheek affectionately before I close the door and get in the driver's seat.

I think of Perry, about how disgusted he'd be if he knew I'd considered betraying him without even a flicker of guilt. My heart pinches. What would Perry do if he ever found out? Nothing, because I'd never tell him.

Tony was big and strong, with warm hands and a clean scent, but he wasn't Perry.

Right then, all I wanted was to be curled into the older man's lap. Without saying a word, Perry would recognize my darker times and he would be my silent rock, keeping my head above the waves even if he couldn't fully stop me from drifting.

How would he react to Julie? When they'd separated for the last and final time, Jordan had moved and taken Jack and Jennifer Dylan with her. Perry rarely got to see his kids, if at all, but there was no mistaking the love between them, the bond that stretched across the miles. Would he accept Julie like that? Love her like that? We weren't even living together, technically, so I'm not even sure what to make of any of this.

I think about my job at Sacred Heart. I don't want to leave the hospital, I really don't, but I can't keep up the grueling pace anymore. Julie would have a stable environment, not one where her uncle was constantly waking her up in the middle of the night to go to Auntie Carla's house or to a sterile hospital, without seeing me for long hours and when she does I'm too tired to play or give her the affection she deserves.

I could get a tamer job at the hospital, maybe at the coffee shop, but the pay wouldn't be enough and the hours were just as hectic.

I groan. I wish I could be someone's trophy wife, just stay at home while my hubby works so that I can spend all my time with Julie and Sam.

I shake my head, dispelling the image of me in a fifties yellow dress and apron with a duster in hand.

I want Perry.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Perry growled low in his throat, making the interns scatter like a cluster of roaches when the light was flipped on. Carla bit her lip worriedly.

''Cox, don't you think you're being a little too hard-''

''No Carla, I do not think I'm being _too hard _on that pack of idiots. Scrap 'em and find me a better batch, will you?'' He ran a hand through his curly hair, pissed as he slammed down a chart. As Chief of Medicine, he didn't need to do rounds, but Perry hated desk work. And lately, he's been more than a tad high strung.

''Chief Cox, I was wondering-''

He turned to the young nurse, snarling, and she hightailed it down the corridor. ''Percival Cox,'' the Latina admonished, hands on her hips as she walked around the nurse's station. ''What on earth has gotten into you? You're acting even more boorish than usual.''

When he settled his enraged green eyes on hers, she softened. ''You're worried about J.D., aren't you.'' When he didn't immediately deny it, like he normally would have, she sighed. ''You know he would never do anything stupid-'' she scowled at his dry look, ''-anything that might jeopardize his job here at S.H.''

''He asked for two weeks' leave, Carla. He did it as he was walking out the door, then jumped into a car before anyone could do anything. Since then, we've talked to him once, for exactly three in a half minutes, and his leave ran out three days ago.''

J.D. had been missing for seventeen days, and it was driving him insane with worry, which he in turn took out on anybody who came too close. Anybody but Carla. Sometimes, though, not even she was safe from him.

She bit her lip again. ''He left a message, remember? He said he may be a little late in coming back-''

''Three days is not a little late, Carla. That message doesn't count; he did it while he knew we were either passed out or working too damn hard to hear a phone ring and he's not answering calls again, the bloody coward.''

''He has a reason for this, I know he does.'' She looked near tears, wringing her hands. He relented and roughly rubbed his nose, a sign that he was beyond his limits. ''He better turn up soon or I'm calling the fucking police.'' With that, he turned and stalked down the hallway.

o0o0o0o0o0o

When we got to California, the first thing I did was take Julie to the ocean. We sat in the sand on a blanket, both of us bundled up against the wind as she sat in my lap and I let her play with a cheap, plastic red shovel I'd gotten from the drugstore. She was so damn cute as she tried to play in the sand with her thick purple jacket and bright rainbow mittens, a soft grey cap keeping her head and ears warm while a matching scarf protected her nose and cheeks.

I only let her play for an hour, though. We weren't in the warm part of California yet, and the sea wind made the already crisp air almost frigid. I don't know why I took her to the north, so close to Canada I could almost see it, but I did.

From there, the quiet lethargy that had taken over me the past few days was replaced by a deep-rooted need for this to finally be over, to get home.

I took the quickest routes and finally, a few hours later, I was tucked into a messy bed with Julie dead asleep in her basinet I'd set up in the room beside mine. The baby monitor that had been packed away in one of the boxes came in handy. I loved Julie and wanted her by me every second of they day, but whatever had kept the tears and heartbreak inside had broken by this point. I didn't want to keep her awake.

I could taste the salt of my own tears and feel a dull ache in my head and throat by the time I drifted off to sleep.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Perry couldn't believe his eyes.

He'd been little more than a zombie when he first walked into his apartment, going through the motions of pulling of his coat and setting it on the hook, pulling off his shoes and drinking his customary shot of whiskey. TV didn't hold any appeal to him, not even as a distraction, so he headed towards the bedroom.

And there he was, curled onto his side and fully clothed above the covers. He hadn't even taken his shoes off.

He didn't know how to react. For a moment, he was just stunned and stood there staring. Anger, relief, and disbelief warred for surpremecy in his chest as he inched forward and slowly reached out a hand. His har was soft and cold, like he'd only just came in from the bitter cold outside. Perry ran his hand through his hair, tucking back a few loose strands behind his ear.

Finally, when he realized J.D. was really and truly in his bed, relief won the battle and he let out a deep, pent-up breath. Upon closer inspection, he realized how wan his J.D.'s face was, and the deep purple smudges beneath his eyes. He recognized one of his lover's darker moments when he saw one, but to what extent? J.D. had never dropped off the map before, and whenever he wanted to be alone all he had to do was lock himself in a closet at the hospital, or in his own apartment.

Not that Perry hadn't picked a few of those locks before, or simply broke the damn door down, but still...

J.D. muttered something in his sleep and turned towards Perry, opening one baby blue to stare up at him. He gave a small, heavy smile. ''Hi.''


	4. Chapter 4

**Was looking at my other chapters and thought to myself, ''Grammar, where did we go wrong?''**

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''Hi yourself,'' Perry murmured quietly, placing one of his large hands on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze before he rubbed my arm. My smile felt watery at best, but I was so happy to see him, to feel him. I could feel the warmth of his palm seeping through the thick fabric of my jacket. Somehow I felt warmer than I had in a long time from the simple contact.

Perry looked worried. He had a strange look in his eyes, like he wasn't sure what to do or say. He looked uncomfortable. I wasn't used to seeing this side of him. Perry was the type who wore confidence as a cloak, especially around those he cared about. If he was showing me this lost look, he must really be out of depth.

I hold out my hand, and he readily took it with his free one. He frowned. ''God J.D., your hands are like ice.'' He immediately took my other hand and started rubbing them between his own, trying to chafe some warmth into them.

That's my Perry.

For a while, we just existed in silence, the only sound that of us breathing or the occasional brush of fabric. He sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hands as I lay beside him. I knew he wanted to ask me what the hell had happened this past month, but Perry kept quiet. He was waiting for me to offer up the information on my own, something he knew I needed him to do. I could see it practically killing him, though, and I had to smile. My lover was not a patient man.

I could feel myself frown as I tried to piece together what to tell him and how to do so without breaking down. My head felt foggy and mushy, with the kind of heavy clarity that came after a good sob. I didn't feel like crying anymore, but it all still seemed to surreal. Was I doomed to go through an endless cycle of this? Of feeling as though I'm floating and all of this is a dream, only to have some random event bring all home to me again that she was gone?

Without giving my traitorous body permission to do so, I felt a tear slide down my raw cheek. Perry's eyes widened and he immediately reached to remove the offensive moisture.

''J.D. …''

I shook my head, opened my mouth-and a piercing wail came on over the monitor. Percy jumped, eyes flying to the chunk of white and blue plastic even as I scrambled up from the bed. ''J.D. what-?''

He followed me into the impromptu nursery, but didn't make it beyond the door as he stared, frozen, and watched me pick up the screaming infant.

Ignoring the pain in my ear from the high-pitched whale, I pulled her into me and settled her head on my shoulder, rubbed her back and bounced on the balls of my feet gently as I cooed. ''It's alright. Don't worry, J.D.'s got you. Shhhh. I've got you, baby. Shhhh.''

She finally calmed down to heart-breaking hiccups. Poor baby. I'd just fed her an hour and a half ago, and her diaper didn't feel heavy and there was no bad smell. She must have had a bad dream. Could babies have bad dreams?

I shook my head to dispel the image of a giant, fire breathing Tickle-Me-Elmo and turned to Percy.

His mouth was hanging open, and his eyes were glued to little Julie. Julie, who looked just like me.

Only now did I realize how bad this must have looked. Dan sure as hell didn't have any kids, and I had no other relations to speak of. He could all too easily jump to conclusions. Think Julie was mine.

Which would mean I would have cheated on him in the past year.

Before I could say anything, rage filled his eyes. Rage and hurt and other things I didn't care to name.

''What the _fuck_, J.D.?'' he raged, and Julie gave a squeak of alarm. I trailed a hand through her hair to sooth her even as I tried to speak. ''Y-you don't underst-''

''Oh, I _understand _alright.'' He turned on his heel and stormed down the short hallway. For a split second, my feet were glued to the floor before I ran after him, clutching Julie protectively to me.

''No, Perry wait, this isn't what it looks like, I swear.'' He snatched his jacket from the hanger and reached for the doorknob.

I was still at the hallway. Nowhere near close enough to touch him, to fix this. ''For the love of God, Perry, _stop_. Julie isn't-''

''_Julie?_'' he snarled, glaring at the infant like he would a skunk in his garbage can. ''That's the brat's name?'' Anger flared hot in my veins. No mater what he thought, even if Julie had been a product of some imagined affair I had, he crossed the line when he took his anger out on her.

I could feel my hackles rise even as I held Julie tighter to me. She was fussing because of the tension she felt, on the verge of crying again. I made my voice dangerously low, trying to soothe her even as I snapped at Perry, ''Don't you _dare _take this out on her, Percival Ulysses Cox. If you would just calm down and let me explain what the fuck is going on, you'll realize what a complete and total ass you're being.''

''_I'm _the ass? _Me?_'' he yelled, ruining all of my efforts and making Julie cry. Perry ran a hand through his hair as I bounced her up and down.

''Stop shouting. Yes, you're being an ass. If you'll just-''

''No. J.D., no. I am _not _talking about this. Do you know how fucking worried we've all been. I was on the verge of calling the goddamned police. I was so relieved to see you-and then _this_. _This right here… _I don't even know what to make of it.''

''Stop screaming, damn it. Let me explain-''

''There's _nothing _to explain. I want you out of my apartment, you got that? _Out_.''

With that he turned and stalked out the door, slamming it loudly behind him.

I didn't know what to do. I just stood there, mouth gaping, with a screaming baby in my arms, looking like a complete idiot.

Oh my god, what just happened? My god, _what just happened?!_

My legs gave out and I fell, hard, on my knees. Startled, Julie stopped crying for a few seconds before the wailing began again.

''Oh god, oh god, oh god.'' I only now realized I was babbling, choking really, as I rocked back and forth. ''Oh god. Oh my god, what have I done?'' I was sobbing again, holding Julie close and burying my face in her soft curls as I came undone. Where had I gone wrong? I should have explained everything as soon as I had woken up. I should have told him about Emily a long time ago, confided in him, I should have-

My chest hurt so much. I was losing everything. Everything that had ever mattered to me was slowly crumbling away.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Perry was at a loss. He didn't know it was possible to feel so much pain and still be alive. So he did what he always did when the shit hit the fan; he drank. Hard.

Scotch was too sophisticated for him right now. He wanted to get drunk. To get completely trashed to make this feeling go away. So he downed shot after shot of tequila.

The bar was crowded and noisy, but he was able to ferret out a stool at the end of the bar, in a little corner. The keep, a man he'd known for years, knew to keep 'em coming until Perry quite literally passed out.

He lost count after fifteen. They just kept appearing, so he kept drinking.

What he done wrong? Perry knew he must have fucked up royally at some point for J.D. to cheat on him. He must have made a real ass out of himself if that person J.D. had turned to was a fucking woman.

Perry wasn't a stranger to disappointing his young lover. He had a nice way of ruining every good relationship he had. But with J.D. … Fuck, he'd tried so hard. Even though they kept their relationship a secret from the others, Perry had tried to do everything right, everything he would never do for anyone else other than J.D.

They went on those damn dates, ate out at the good ritzy joints as well as just drove through the drive thru. Even though it had taken time, he'd told J.D. he loved him. Multiple times. And J.D. had never been shy about saying it.

It wasn't flowers and candy and love poems, but it was the best Perry could do. And J.D. had seemed content…

How old had the baby been? Fuck… she'd looked about… three… no, four months. That would be… thirteen months ago. A year and a month ago. What happened a year and a month ago?

Perry winced as he remembered a particularly bad argument. He couldn't even fucking remember what it was about, only that he and J.D. barely spoke for about a week because of it. He put his head in his hands. That week, it had to be that week.

_God, what have I done?_

Perry hadn't felt the urge to cry in a good long while, not since Ben's funeral. And it wasn't like anybody had died. But they might as well have for the pain tearing Perry's insides apart.

He'd known from the beginning he didn't deserve J.D. The kid was so vibrant, so damn loving and beautiful, sometimes it hurt just to look at him.

_Damn him_, Perry cursed silently. _Damn him for making me feel like I had a chance_.

Another shot. Then another. None of it helped. It didn't numb him like it used to. Only made the ache worse.

_And damn me too for believing I was worthy of it, even for a minute._

He slumped in his chair, his head buried in his arms. Over the din of the bar, he heard a soft voice singing, wafting through the patrons from the stage.

_If all the flowers faded away_

_And if all the storm clouds decided to stay_

_Then you would find me each hour the same_

_S__he is tomorrow and I am today_

Oh god. He remembered the makeup sex after that argument. It had been so hard and demanding, and J.D. had seemed to love it.

_And if right is leaving I'd rather be wrong_

_She is the sunlight and the sun is gone_

How could J.D. smile at him, hold him, kiss him, knowing what he had done? It just doesn't make sense. J.D. was the type to break under even the slightest pressure of guilt.

_If loving her is a heartache for me_

_And if holding her means that I have to bleed_

_Then I am the martyr and love is to blame_

_She is the healing and I am the pain_

_She lives in a daydream where I don't belong_

_She is the sunlight and the sun is gone_

Unless he didn't feel guilty for what he'd done.

_And it will take this life of regret_

_For my heart to learn to forget_

_Tomorrow will be as it always has been_

_And I will fall to her again_

_For I know I've come too close_

Or, if he had nothing to feel guilty about…But what did that mean? That baby, even if she was just a newborn, looked _exactly _like him. They're related. Dan is too careful to have a brat, and J.D. doesn't have any aunts or uncles…

_Cause if right is leaving_

_I__'d rather be wrong_

_Cause she is the sunlight_

_And the sun is gone_

Goddamn it all, what had J.D. been trying to tell him? He'd looked almost frantic as he'd tried to get the words out.

_She is the sunlight_

_And the sun is gone_

Did any of this even matter?

He whistled and slammed his fist against the counter. ''Barkeep, I said keep 'em coming.''

His words were slurred, but he didn't give a damn. He took the entire bottle from Jeff when he tried to refill the shot glass, then shooed him away when he began to argue. Jeff knew better than to naysay him and simply walked away, muttering under his breath.

Perry's phone rang, and he answered it without looking at the ID.

''Yellow?''

''Perry, where the hell are you?''

_J.D._ He smiled before he remembered he was mad at J.D. Then he scowled. ''None of your damn biznezz.'' He knew he sounded like a sulky child, but he couldn't seem to help himself. He could hear the young doctor's sound of frustration. ''Fuck it all, you're drunk. Where are you? Stop being such a sulky brat and tell me where the fuck you are so I can pick you up.''

''Whoa, Zeila, you muzt be really pizzed if yur zaying zo many bad wordz. Didn' yur mother teach yu any butter?''

''Percival Ulysses Cox you tell me where you are this minute, do you understand?'' Perry fought the urge to stand at attention. ''Yez ma'am. I'm at Zuke's.''

''Zeke's?''

''Yeah, that'z-'' There was a loud beep and then nothing. Perry stared at the cell for a long moment before he realized he'd been hung up on.

**0000000000000000000000000000 ooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooo 0000000000000000000000000000 00000000000**

**Song is 'She is the Sunlight' by Trading Yesterday. Also, if you liked that, try 'Just a Little Girl', also be Trading Yesterday. :3**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay my babies, sorry for the long wait and the short chapter but you'll just have to suck it up ;3**

**I had to go through midterms and bitch cats eating my face while I was trying to sleep and weird family reunions with people who aren't my family**

**Anywho, here's chapter five**

**DRAHMAH**

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Un. Fucking. Believable.

Then again, I shouldn't surprised. Perry had always been a big drinker, but this just really took the cake.

I snap the cell phone shut and look at Julie. I don't want her around a drunk Perry but I guess I really don't have a choice; I want to sort everything out with the idiot before I drag anyone else into this.

In no time at all I've strapped Julie into her car seat and began driving down to Zeke's, a newer bar that was closer to Perry's condo-apartment-whatever. Then I have to decide what to do with the child before I go barging in. To leave her in the car or to not leave her in the car?

If I take the keys and lock the door she should be safe, with the window cracked of course. It's better than dragging her inside where all manner of refuse was dwelling. All I need to do is go in, find the drunken slob, and then drag him back to the car. Hopefully he'll be so inebriated he'll forget he's mad at me.

_Yeah, fat chance of that happening._

''You be a good girl while Uncle JD throws a bitch fit. Okay, pumpkin?''

Julie yawned sleepily. Odds are she'd fall asleep before I even open the door.

I mane sure she has the warm blanket tucked tightly around her and that her head leans to the side, not forward, before I get out.

Luke, the bartender on duty, was waiting for me at the door. Tall, thin, and blonde, he was pretty handsome I guess; and as far as he knew, I was just Perry's lackey. Luke gave me a relieved smile. ''I don't know what happened but he's drunk as a skunk. Probably won't make it back to his place.''

I scowled. ''Just show me where the idiot is. I'll beat him to death in the morning, when he can fully appreciate my yelling.''

Luke gave a soft, boyish laugh before leading me through a surprisingly thick throng of people and towards the back where Perry slouched against the corner. He looked up as we approached, a huge, sloppy grin lighting up his features before he gave a scowl. ''Ya hun' up on me.''

''And you pissed me off. Get up; I'm taking you home.''

His scowl turned into the look of a petulant child. ''No.''

''No?''

''I don' wanna go home wit' _you_. Not wit' that _thing _there.''

''Alright. Alright, I get it. Have it your way.''

Before he could react I shoved him off the stool. Perry landed hard on the ground where he was too dazed to even begin to try to sit up. I kicked him squarely in the stomach, grinning at his grunt of pain and exaggerated wince.

''Suck it up, you big baby. Can you give me a hand, Luke?''

The blonde chirped, ''Sure,'' and immediately bent to grab one of Perry's elbows as I took the other. Together we dragged him outside, going unnoticed by the other patrons of the bar, and to my car where Julie slept soundly. I unlocked the door while Luke supported Perry and then we both pushed him into the front seat.

''You effin' kicked me, Ziela. _Kicked _me.''

''And I'll do it again if you say one more thing about my niece.'' I turned to Luke and gave him a winning smile. ''Thanks for the help, man.''

He was eyeing Julie in the back. ''Hey, is she going to be alright with that?'' He pointed to Perry. I tried to look reassuring. ''She's my niece; I won't let him hurt a hair on her head. He's more of a mopey drunk than a mean one.''

''If you say so. Good luck, man.''

I got in the car and cranked it up, reached back to check on Julie, and then looked to Perry. He was staring at me with a weird drawn expression.

''It waz during' that fight, wazn' it?''

I raised an eyebrow and began backing out of the space. ''Just shut up, Perry. We'll talk in the morning, when you're sober.''

''_Wazn' it?_'' he asked as though I hadn't even spoken. Perry rubbed his face with both hands, a broken look in his eyes. ''Wazn' it?''

''Perry, I don't know what you're talking about,'' I said slowly, as though speaking to a small child. ''Just go to sleep, okay? I'd explain everything to you now but you're probably too drunk to even remember.''

''Ne'er that,'' he mumbled miserably. Perry turned to look in the backseat, at the sleeping Julie. ''I swear to god if you do anything to wake her up I'll kill you.''

Perry shook his head slowly. ''Juz lookin'. Pretty thing, Ill give 'er that much.''

Despite myself, I felt a grin trying to turn my lips upward. ''She is. Perry, she's my niece.''

He shook his head again and turned back around in his seat. ''I did the math. Ze's juzt the right age for that fight we had lazt yer.''

''Perry, I really can't understand you.''

''Tat fight,'' he whispered. ''Gez I can' blame ya. Bad fight. I did the zame thing.''

I slammed on the brakes. Thankfully, we were near the apartment on a backstreet and there were no other cars around.

''What did you just say?''

I could feel my heart beating a million times a second, blood was roaring in my ears, but despite that I felt so cold. He was mumbling illegibly; I couldn't have heard him right. Right?

He turned tortured green eyes to mine. ''I did the zame thing.''

What? My heart stopped. There's no way I could still be alive right now. Not after that. I feel like he punched me in the fucking throat.

''What did you do, Perry?'' I whispered. I didn't want to know. I really _didn't _want to know. But I had to.

Perry looked away and blew out a breath, the wind whistling between his teeth sounding like some demented snake. For a long moment, hours or seconds, we just sat there. Then he looked back at me. ''Durin' the fight,'' he whispered. ''Zo angry. Thought you'd left me for good that time.''

''_What did you do Perry?_'' I asked again when he went silent. He looked away, rubbed his face, looked back.

''Zlept with a woman,'' he said at regular volume, his eyes flashing mutinously, daring me to say something. ''Two, actually. Leazt I don' have a kid to zow fer it.''

My tight grip on the steering wheel went slack, and my hands fell into my lap.


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.**

**I have no excuses. I'm a dunce. I'm sorry. Double upload today. Short. Sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry.**

**I really hope you guys aren't disappointed in the way the story's going to go. I haven't decided if I want to wrap it up in a pretty, somewhat messy bow or draw out the torture. If I draw it out, hopefully I can come up with a satisfactory ending. I'm really just worried about how I'm going to end this. Happy? Bittersweet? Or go Shakespeare on this shit?**

**Just kidding. No Shakespeare. Maybe. Tell me what you want me to do. I'm so sorry about these erratic postings. I really truly am. I get writer's block like a mofo.**

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo ooooooooooo**

I'd like to say I killed him. Took a tire iron out of the trunk and just went to town. But I didn't. Perry was drunk; he was saying things he didn't mean. Right?

I'd like to think that. I really would.

But I can't lie to myself like that.

For a long moment we just sat in the silence. Julie continued to sleep peacefully. I stared at my hands. Perry… well… for once he was silent.

Then I summoned up the strength to grab the wheel and drive the rest of the way back to the apartment. We were silent; Perry had fallen asleep at some point I guess. I wasn't paying much attention.

Instead of carrying him up to his suite, I called one of the neighbors I'd gotten to be sort-of friends with, Mark Stevens. He was a divorcee with two little girls of his own. They were with their mother this weekend, though, and even though it was late he came straight down to take over Perry's handling.

He didn't ask me why I wasn't the one hauling his ass up the elevator; he took one look in the backseat and that was all he needed.

I could always count on Mark to do strange odd jobs around the apartment, Perry's and my own, with little to no complaint. He wasn't much of a talker. And this wasn't the first time he'd hade to take over Perry Duty. It was just the first time in a while.

I shouldn't have driven, not in my current condition, but when has that ever stopped me? I was careful, so as not to disturb Julie, and made my way back to my own complex without incident. I unpacked Julie and took her inside.

She woke at some point, while I was carrying her through the lobby, or maybe before that. My point is, when I finally made it to the elevator and looked down at her, she was staring at me with those wide, serious eyes. Like she knew.

I thought I'd been numb before. I thought I couldn't take any more heartbreak or I'd snap.

But that's the funny thing about life; you keep going long after you can't.

Because you have something to live for.

Because somehow, and someway, a tiny little sense of duty keeps you going. Like an upcoming exam to make a tired university student stay awake long past four in the morning to study for. Or the anticipation of new life that keeps a woman going through hours of childbirth.

I know I'm not making much sense right now. But that doesn't matter. I had a reason to keep going, even if everything else in my life was falling apart. I had Julie. She needed me, failure that I am, and I will always be there for her. To do that, I need to keep going.

Stay awake for one more hour. Bare the pain for just one more minute.

And, at the end, I'll get my reward.

I'll get to watch her grow up. I'll get to watch her smile. Teach her how to walk. To talk. Experience her first heartbreak. Heal that heart. Maybe one day walk her down the isle.

I smile down at her as the elevator slows and the door slide open with a soft _snick_. My thoughts are scattered, but at the same time centered around her.

When I get into the cold, dark apartment the first thing I do is turn on the light and look around.

I'm sick of California. It's time for a move.

''Would you like that Julie?''

She giggles and hums, a small dot of baby slobber sliding down her chin. I wipe it off. ''I'll take that as a yes.''

I thought I wouldn't be able to stop working at the hospital. I thought I could never leave my friends, or my life here. But that's the funny thing about life; shit happens and you roll with the punches. You'll get your ass kicked, but at the same time, you might just win.

I set Julie down in my bed, form a fortress of pillows around her to make sure she doesn't fall off the bed, and go back into the kitchen. After a little rummaging around, I find a piece of parchment, an envelope, and a pen.

I sit down and I write my letter of resignation.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. I'm not 100% at the moment. Kisses from beyond the grave~**

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''Bambi, what the hell is this?''

Carla looks at the envelope like it's filled with poison. Or made of dead puppy skin.

I try to smile reassuringly. For some reason, I feel light. A lot better than I thought I would, stepping into Sacred Heart for the last time. I feel… almost giddy. I'm ready to start my new life with Julie. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet, but I'm getting there.

''It's nothing. Just make sure Chief Cox gets it. And Carla?''

''What?''

I lean over the counter and kiss her cheek. Her already-wide brown eyes enlarge further. ''Thanks. For everything. Call me anytime, okay? And take care of Turk and Elliot.''

''Bambi, you're scaring me.''

I frown. ''I don't mean to. It's not like I'm about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge or anything.'' At her dubious look I just smile again. ''Come on. Really? I'm wounded.''

She blows out a breath and rolls her eyes. ''J.D., you were gone, as in disappeared, for weeks. Or what felt like weeks. Felt like years. Do you know how worried we are. And then you give me this,'' she waves the letter under my nose, ''and say to take care of Turk and Elliot? What do you expect me to believe? Before you left, you looked ready to jump off a bridge. I wouldn't put it past you to try.''

''Everything's fine, Carla, I promise. I'll just be really busy for a few months. Personal stuff. We'll keep in touch, like always, and once I have everything settled I can explain everything. Okay?''

She didn't say anything. It was my turn to roll my eyes. I held up my hand in the boy scout salute. ''I swear, on my life, that I will not jump off a bridge. Or drown myself in the bathtub, or anything of that nature. I promise to answer my phone this time, if I can. I promise to keep you updated as best as I can. Happy now?''

She grinned. ''Just tell me one thing, Bambi.''

''Sure.'' Why do I have the feeling it won't be just one thing?

''Have you spoken to anyone else since you got back?''

I felt something in the vicinity of my chest tighten with a sharp lance of pain. I try to ignore as best as I can. ''I talked to Cox last night.''

''Is this a letter of resignation?''

See? I knew it. ''That's two things, Carla.''

''Answer the question.'' I hate when she goes Mama Bear on me. No, wait, that's a complete lie. Carla had always been my maternal figure, since my own mother wasn't exactly very high on my list of people with morals. Or a conscience. ''Yes. Please don't argue with me; I just can't do this anymore. I love Sacred Heart, I love you, but it turns out being a doctor wasn't my calling after all.''

She doesn't look surprised, just resigned. ''Does Turk know?''

''You and I seem to have a very different definition of 'one thing'…''

''Just answer the question, J.D.''

''No. I thought it would be easier this way.''

She gives me that look. The one that makes me want to rip out my heart and serve it to her on a silver platter. I don't like disappointing her.

''For Turk or for you?''

''…Me. If I told him, he'd find a way to talk me into staying. Or force me to explain things I can't really explain. Not right now.''

She sighs heavily. ''I love you, Bambi. You know that, don't you?''

''Yeah.''

''And if you ever. Pull a stunt like that again. I. Will. Kill. You.''

I smile. ''I wouldn't expect anything less. I won't do it again. I promised, remember?''

I hug her tightly over the counter. ''What about Perry?'' she whispers in my ear. My throat suddenly feels as though I'd swallowed a container of thumbtacks. ''You're the only one who knows,'' I whisper back.

We ease from the embrace and I give her one last peck on the cheek before I turn to leave. Stopping, I throw over my shoulder. ''Hey, Carla?''

She looks up from rubbing her eye and sniffs, suspicious moisture making her eyes bright. ''Yeah?''

''I'm fabulously gay.''

**OoOoOoOoO**

Not exactly the way I wanted to tell her, but I think she appreciated the humor of it. I wanted to leave on a happy, somewhat neurotic note. Elliot would be proud. Maybe. She liked gay guys, right?

I used to worry the most about Turk. Al the stuff we'd done together that made others question our relationship; would he suddenly be disgusted? It didn't matter that I didn't even know I was gay until that day Perry cornered me in that empty room at the hospital.

Now I'm not so worried. Carla's reaction had given me hope. I'd been so afraid of losing my maternal figure, but in the end she'd smiled that smile at me that made me feel like the sun had burst out from behind foggy grey clouds.

She hadn't said anything. She hadn't needed to. She'd given me that look of love that said without words I was still her Bambi. Turk may be a little freaked out, and Elliot would most likely claim she knew all along.

Briefly I wondered about Perry's reaction. Would he be worried I tattled on him?

Then I got mad at myself for getting worried about his hurt feelings. Fuck him. Who needs him?

I pick up Julie from a little daycare I'd found earlier that morning; I've packed my measly belongings, and since I never really unpacked Julie's to begin with, we're ready to go.

I'd just set her up in the car seat when my phone chirped. I glanced down, expecting Turk or Carla, but grimace as I finally recognize the ring tone for _Jaws_.

Mom.

I really need to figure out how to block people.

So I ignore it, silence the phone, and get into the driver's seat.

''I know you must be sick of cars, but how about just one more go? So, where should we head? North, south, east, or just follow the yellow brick road?''

Julie mumbled and became entranced by her foot.

''The yellow brick road it is.''

OoOoOoOoO

''What the hell are you thinking? Cox's on a rampage, Elliot's…well… I don't know what the hell she's doing. One minute she's crying, the next she's smiling and wishing you the best, and then she'd damning you to hell. Carla's glowing. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's pregnant again.''

I wince. ''You sound a little confused yourself there, buddy.''

''_I'm _not the one who's confused!'' Turk screeched. I pull the phone away from my ear to keep from becoming deafened. ''_I'm_ not the one who quite my job, packed up my crap, and left in one day. What are you _thinking? _Why are you doing this?''

I turn on my blinker to pass a small blue Volvo, glance back at Julie to make sure she's handling the bottle well enough on her own. Yes.

''I have my reasons, Chocolate Bear,'' I sigh, already tired with the conversation. ''Just trust me.''

''Nu-uh. No deal. You disappear and come back again only to quite your job and leave. You didn't even say hi.''

''I did to Carla,'' a point out, switching back over into my earlier lane.

''Yeah. About that.''

''I'm sorry, Turk. I am. This isn't how I pictured myself a year ago. I'm sorry I didn't say hi or even bye to you but I knew you'd find some way to talk me out of leaving.'' He didn't reply but I could hear a sniffle. He was really upset. At least I wasn't talking to Elliot; she would have screeched my ear off.

''Look, did Carla give Cox my letter of resignation?''

''Yeah. He tore it in half without opening it. Watched him do it. Cheered him on.''

I roll my eyes. ''Nice. Anyway, I gave Carla another one. I had a feeling the first would be destroyed maliciously. I just thought you'd be the one doing it. I want all of you to read the second one. It'll all make more sense, alright? I can explain later. Right now there's a cold cheeseburger calling my name.''

''Oh no, don't you dare—''

I hung up, set down the cell, and reached for the burger. Yum. Pickles.

**OoOoOoOoO**

Perry felt like slamming his head against the desk. And he did. Multiple times. He couldn't remember much of last night, only enough that J.D. had drug his ass out of the bar. But then again, he was always the one who did, so Perry wasn't sure if it was an actual memory from last night or just an old one from years ago.

Either way, he knew he fucked up big.

He'd acted like an ass. But he always acted like an ass. And J.D. always forgave him, sooner or later. Always.

He had a feeling this wouldn't be one of those times.

Perry hit his head against the wood one more time for good measure. He'd been hurt, true, but he'd had no right to react the way he did. If it was during that argument, then J.D. was fully justified to have done whatever it was he did.

Even if it felt like a two ton weight was crushing his chest in the process. He'd learn to live with it. Hell, he wasn't a saint. He could count on one hand, without even using all five digits, the number of women he _hadn't _cheated on. And for most of them, he didn't have a fight sort-of breakup to blame or hide behind as an excuse.

It was a wonder J.D. had put up with him for all this time.

_I'm an ass. A bloody jackass._

At that moment, Perry vowed that if he could make this thing right, show J.D. that all was forgiven and forgotten.

Hell, the little scamp had been downright adorable, now that he thought about it. He rarely ever got to see his own children. The children he wasn't sure really were his children. But he loved Jack and little Jennifer Dillon. (spelled wrong? Deal with it) He always felt a little morose over the nursery in his apartment.

He liked children. Loved them. If J.D. would allow it, Perry would love to be the little girl's other father. Would love to help raise her.

It was J.D., in part, who'd finally gotten him over his fear of fucking his children up after all. The least he could do was help nurture J.D.'s child, help watch her grow.

The more he thought about it, the more Perry liked it. No matter how she was conceived, she was J.D.'s offspring. A part of him. J.D.'s baby…

_And mine too, if I can fucking fix this._

He wanted this. He wanted her to be his daughter. He wanted J.D. to be his little 'wife'. But would he take him back?

_The things I said… _When he'd been sober, hell, it'd been bad enough. But what worse things could he have said while drunk? _I wish I could _remember.

Perry leaned back in his chair with a groan and eyed the phone. He wanted to fix this. _Needed _to fix this.

After waking up with a pounding headache, Perry had grumbled his way into his office only to be waylaid by the tearful Carla.

J.D. had quite his job, claiming that medicine just wasn't his shtick after all. Perry had a very guilty feeling that he was the cause of that ludicrous declaration.

He'd immediately torn up that damned letter and set out of J.D.'s apartment, but he wasn't there. Nothing was. Perry had literally kicked the door down to find an empty apartment, devoid of any evidence that proved J.D. had once lived within its walls.

It was about that time that this really hit home for Perry. Was this the end? Would this really be the way this ended? With hurt feelings, cryptic promises, and no goodbyes.

Fuck that.

Perry reached for the phone.

**0000000000000000000000000000 00000 0000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000000 000000000**

**So, do you want me to wrap this up or drag it out for a couple more chapters? Odds are there won't be any smex. I'm sorry. I usually love smex. All the smex. But it just doesn't feel right for this, you know? Please tell me what you think. Pls don't be mean. Or I will cry. Do you really want to make me cry? Probably. I kept you waiting for so long. :X**


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